Words of Advice From Homer

What I've Learned: Homer Simpson
Nuclear-power-plant safety inspector, 39, Springfield
Interviewed by John Frink and Don Payne

When someone tells you your butt is on fire, you should take them at their word.

There is no such thing as a bad doughnut.

Kids are like monkeys, only louder.

If you want results, press the red button. The rest are useless.

There are many different religions in this world, but if you look at them carefully, you'll see that they all have one thing in common: They were invented by a giant, super intelligent slug named Dennis.

You should just name your third kid Baby. Trust me -- it'll save you a lot of hassle.

You can have many different jobs and still be lazy.

You can get free stuff if you mention a product in a magazine interview. Like Chips Ahoy! cookies.

You may think it's easier to de-ice your windshield with a flamethrower, but there are repercussions. Serious repercussions.

There are some things that just aren't meant to be eaten.

There are way too many numbers. The world would be a better place if we lost half of them -- starting with 8. I've always hated 8.

Be generous in the bedroom -- share your sandwich.

I've climbed the highest mountains . . . fallen down the deepest valleys . . . I've been to Japan and Africa . . . and I've even gone into space. But I'd trade it all for a piece of candy right now.

Every creature on God's earth has a right to exist. Except for that damn ruby-throated South American warbler.

I don't need a surgeon telling me how to operate on myself.

Sometimes I think there's no reason to get out of bed . . . then I feel wet, and I realize there is.

Let me just say, Winnie the Pooh getting his head caught in a honey pot? It's not funny. It can really happen.

Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll get a hook caught on his eyelid or something.

I made a deal with myself ten years ago . . . and got ripped off.

Never leave your car keys in a reactor core.

Always trust your first instinct -- unless it tells you to use your life savings to develop a Destructo Ray.

When you borrow something from your neighbor, always do it under the cover of darkness.

Never throw a butcher knife in anger.

The hardest thing I've had to face as a father was burying my own child. He climbed back out, but it still hurts.

If doctors are so right, why am I still alive?
I love natural disasters because we're allowed to get out of work.